When a relationship ends, it's easy to run through all the what-ifs and regrets and imagine how it could have gone differently and how you wish you were back together with that person. I've found it's harder to look back honestly and learn from the relationship. It's hard to stop romanticizing the person you loved and see them for who they were and how the two of you just didn't belong together. It's not really anyone's fault. Some people just don't fit... So this is my honest reflection of the longest and most serious relationship I've had so far...
I dated a boy for the last two and a half years. I knew him for a few years before we dated, and I'd had a crush on him before, but we didn't really talk much during high school. The whole relationship started one night because I was lonely and he was on Facebook and I hadn't heard from him in a long time. It was the summer before my freshman year of college (2011) and I reached out to him, and we stayed up late chatting. He was drawn to me because I was a "damsel in distress," and from right there we should've known the relationship was doomed. I was unhappy, unhealthy, and suicidal, and that's not the time in your life when you should try to start a relationship.
I fixed myself as best as I could. It only took me a few months of my freshman year of college to work on myself to the point where I was "okay" (through tons of therapy and medication). We started officially dating in October of that year, but we'd been very close for a couple months before then. I thought he was everything I ever wanted. Of course it turned out he wasn't, but it took a lot of heartache before I understood that.
I would say that the first few months of our relationship were pretty good. We went on a few dates over the summer and had a blast. We decided we weren't going to rush into anything until we knew we really wanted to after we started college, because hey, we were going through a lot of changes. We were long-distance for several months because we went to different colleges. He went to Cleveland State University and I went to UW La Crosse (600 miles apart). We Skyped almost every night and texted during the day. I saw him during holiday breaks and vacations.
We started having problems around our first Valentine's Day (about a half a year into our relationship). See, he'd only had one other girlfriend before me (I'd only had one other boyfriend), and he dated her for about two and a half years and then started dating me less than 6 months later, so he hadn't really been single for very long (meanwhile I'd been single most of high school and for over 2 years before he and I dated). He said he felt like he needed to experience being single, and he needed to date other girls before he could be happy staying with me.
Of course, I was very hurt by this. I didn't understand why he didn't think I was enough. He did stuff with another girl around my birthday, we broke up, we got back together, and for a little while things seemed good again. What I didn't realize then was that our relationship would be a never-ending loop of rejection, inadequacy, depression, and tumultuous breaks and reunions. He would continually cycle through needing "space" and needing to see "other girls," but he never wanted to break up with me permanently; he just wanted us to "take a break" now and then and have me wait around while he figured it out. Except he never did figure it out, no matter how many breaks we tried to take...
When freshman year of college ended, we decided to transfer to the same university because we figured it would make things easier not being long distance. I moved in with his family that summer because apart from living with one of my brothers (who had a new fiance and was going through his own changes), I didn't really have anywhere to go.
Our relationship turned toxic very slowly... There was never a singular point that I can blame for our unhappiness, and I think that's why it was so difficult to leave even when I was fed up and hurt and hating myself because of it.
All I ever wanted out of our relationship was to make him happy, but I couldn't. He had depression as well, and it would rear its ugly head in powerful waves that made him cruel and heartless and cold to the people around him, and especially me. I hid my own problems and spent most of my time trying to do whatever he wanted, but it was never enough. I begged him for months to get back on medication, to go to therapy, to do something... and eventually he did, but it never really got much better.
Plain and simple, he got sick of me. When we started sophomore year of college together, he no longer found me attractive in any way. He was embarrassed to be with me in public. He criticized my appearance, my weight, my makeup (or lack thereof), my hair, my clothes... We stopped being intimate for months. He didn't want to hold me or kiss me. I tried to initiate intimacy, and he'd turn me down. He was tired or not in the mood, or he just wasn't "turned on."
I don't think he was trying to make me hate myself, but that's what happened. I dieted, I lost weight, I cut my hair, I bought new clothes, I wore more makeup... but it wasn't enough. I tried breaking up with him, but he swore that he loved me and he wanted us to be together, so I stayed... and I stayed... and I stayed some more...
Eventually we just got "comfortable" in our unhappiness. I always tried to make him happy, but he just settled into his depression and became poisonous, but I didn't want to give up on him. After all, for whatever silly reason, I thought he was the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and we were just going through an extended "rough patch" as I called it. He would get better, I would get better, we would be happy again, wouldn't we?
During Christmas break of 2013-2014, I went home to my family without him (for the first time in our relationship, we spent that holiday apart). I had a great time with my family, and my siblings and I went down to Florida for a week. I barely talked to him during that time, but we texted a little, and he seemed to be down in the dumps one night, so I suggested that he could call me and we could talk. He called, we talked for a bit, but he was in a very bad mood, and he ended up being very rude and mean to me and we got in a fight. He apologized via text after we hung up, but I just tried to focus on my family and forget the negativity in our relationship.
His family celebrated Christmas later than usual that year. In fact, their Christmas party was after New Year's, and after I got back from Florida, so I came along to his family's Christmas party in early January. His family loved me, and I got along great with all of them. We had a great time together at his grandparents' house, and he seemed more affectionate toward me than usual. We took a selfie together even though he always hated taking pictures with me.
That night, when we got back from the party and we sat in his parents' house, he said he had to talk to me, so we went downstairs to a spare bedroom, and he grabbed my hand. The look on his face told me everything I needed to know before he even said it. I knew he was breaking up with me. My mind raced through all the typical questions wondering what I'd done wrong and why he didn't love me and what other girl he was seeing... I didn't really bother asking the questions out loud, and he didn't bother trying to answer them. I pulled my hand away from him and sat there numb for a little while as he said the words. My ears must have been ringing because I know he dumped me, but I can't remember how he said it.
I asked him to leave me alone in the room while I cried. Then I walked outside without a coat on and stood in the snow as the January air chilled my bones. I could barely feel it. It felt like a bad dream. As my nose went numb from the cold and my fingers and toes burned like dry ice, I waited for him to come outside and hug me and bring the feeling back to my body because all I could feel was my stomach dropping and my heart pounding.
I don't remember how long I was standing outside, but eventually his dad came outside and found me standing there and asked me what was wrong. I told him I just got dumped and he muttered some curses about his son under his breath and wrapped his coat around me and brought me back inside. I was handed a box of tissues and I called my friend and asked if I could spend the night there. I packed up my belongings and his dad gave me a ride to my friend's house.
My friends came over and we played board games and they tried to cheer me up. One of my guy friends (who was also close friends with my ex), got a bit too affectionate and cuddly trying to comfort me. That caused problems later. Almost all of my friends were shared with my ex, so when we broke up, they inevitably picked sides, and most of them chose his side.
I think the first month was the hardest. Now I think I'm turning the corner. There was quite a while where I felt very alone and I couldn't eat or sleep (heck, I've always had trouble sleeping, so that wasn't new), but now I think I can see that I'll be okay without him. I still miss him sometimes. I made the mistake of staying close to him after the break-up. I made the mistake of trying "friends with benefits." We're still trying to be friends, but I know it's a bad idea and I know we'll fall apart for good eventually.
I've been on a few dates already. I'm not looking for another serious relationship right now, and I want to stay single for a good long time, but I want to distract myself and I need to feel special and attractive. For so long I've felt like nobody could love me and that nobody else would ever want me if he dumped me, but I'm starting to realize that I'm valuable on my own. I'm a kind person, and I care about people, and I deserved to be cared about, and I deserve to be loved, even if it's not by him.
My prince is out there still, and I'll find him someday...
Happy Singles' Awareness Day (i.e. Valentine's Day)... and goodnight.
I dated a boy for the last two and a half years. I knew him for a few years before we dated, and I'd had a crush on him before, but we didn't really talk much during high school. The whole relationship started one night because I was lonely and he was on Facebook and I hadn't heard from him in a long time. It was the summer before my freshman year of college (2011) and I reached out to him, and we stayed up late chatting. He was drawn to me because I was a "damsel in distress," and from right there we should've known the relationship was doomed. I was unhappy, unhealthy, and suicidal, and that's not the time in your life when you should try to start a relationship.
I fixed myself as best as I could. It only took me a few months of my freshman year of college to work on myself to the point where I was "okay" (through tons of therapy and medication). We started officially dating in October of that year, but we'd been very close for a couple months before then. I thought he was everything I ever wanted. Of course it turned out he wasn't, but it took a lot of heartache before I understood that.
I would say that the first few months of our relationship were pretty good. We went on a few dates over the summer and had a blast. We decided we weren't going to rush into anything until we knew we really wanted to after we started college, because hey, we were going through a lot of changes. We were long-distance for several months because we went to different colleges. He went to Cleveland State University and I went to UW La Crosse (600 miles apart). We Skyped almost every night and texted during the day. I saw him during holiday breaks and vacations.
We started having problems around our first Valentine's Day (about a half a year into our relationship). See, he'd only had one other girlfriend before me (I'd only had one other boyfriend), and he dated her for about two and a half years and then started dating me less than 6 months later, so he hadn't really been single for very long (meanwhile I'd been single most of high school and for over 2 years before he and I dated). He said he felt like he needed to experience being single, and he needed to date other girls before he could be happy staying with me.
Of course, I was very hurt by this. I didn't understand why he didn't think I was enough. He did stuff with another girl around my birthday, we broke up, we got back together, and for a little while things seemed good again. What I didn't realize then was that our relationship would be a never-ending loop of rejection, inadequacy, depression, and tumultuous breaks and reunions. He would continually cycle through needing "space" and needing to see "other girls," but he never wanted to break up with me permanently; he just wanted us to "take a break" now and then and have me wait around while he figured it out. Except he never did figure it out, no matter how many breaks we tried to take...
When freshman year of college ended, we decided to transfer to the same university because we figured it would make things easier not being long distance. I moved in with his family that summer because apart from living with one of my brothers (who had a new fiance and was going through his own changes), I didn't really have anywhere to go.
Our relationship turned toxic very slowly... There was never a singular point that I can blame for our unhappiness, and I think that's why it was so difficult to leave even when I was fed up and hurt and hating myself because of it.
All I ever wanted out of our relationship was to make him happy, but I couldn't. He had depression as well, and it would rear its ugly head in powerful waves that made him cruel and heartless and cold to the people around him, and especially me. I hid my own problems and spent most of my time trying to do whatever he wanted, but it was never enough. I begged him for months to get back on medication, to go to therapy, to do something... and eventually he did, but it never really got much better.
Plain and simple, he got sick of me. When we started sophomore year of college together, he no longer found me attractive in any way. He was embarrassed to be with me in public. He criticized my appearance, my weight, my makeup (or lack thereof), my hair, my clothes... We stopped being intimate for months. He didn't want to hold me or kiss me. I tried to initiate intimacy, and he'd turn me down. He was tired or not in the mood, or he just wasn't "turned on."
I don't think he was trying to make me hate myself, but that's what happened. I dieted, I lost weight, I cut my hair, I bought new clothes, I wore more makeup... but it wasn't enough. I tried breaking up with him, but he swore that he loved me and he wanted us to be together, so I stayed... and I stayed... and I stayed some more...
Eventually we just got "comfortable" in our unhappiness. I always tried to make him happy, but he just settled into his depression and became poisonous, but I didn't want to give up on him. After all, for whatever silly reason, I thought he was the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and we were just going through an extended "rough patch" as I called it. He would get better, I would get better, we would be happy again, wouldn't we?
During Christmas break of 2013-2014, I went home to my family without him (for the first time in our relationship, we spent that holiday apart). I had a great time with my family, and my siblings and I went down to Florida for a week. I barely talked to him during that time, but we texted a little, and he seemed to be down in the dumps one night, so I suggested that he could call me and we could talk. He called, we talked for a bit, but he was in a very bad mood, and he ended up being very rude and mean to me and we got in a fight. He apologized via text after we hung up, but I just tried to focus on my family and forget the negativity in our relationship.
His family celebrated Christmas later than usual that year. In fact, their Christmas party was after New Year's, and after I got back from Florida, so I came along to his family's Christmas party in early January. His family loved me, and I got along great with all of them. We had a great time together at his grandparents' house, and he seemed more affectionate toward me than usual. We took a selfie together even though he always hated taking pictures with me.
That night, when we got back from the party and we sat in his parents' house, he said he had to talk to me, so we went downstairs to a spare bedroom, and he grabbed my hand. The look on his face told me everything I needed to know before he even said it. I knew he was breaking up with me. My mind raced through all the typical questions wondering what I'd done wrong and why he didn't love me and what other girl he was seeing... I didn't really bother asking the questions out loud, and he didn't bother trying to answer them. I pulled my hand away from him and sat there numb for a little while as he said the words. My ears must have been ringing because I know he dumped me, but I can't remember how he said it.
I asked him to leave me alone in the room while I cried. Then I walked outside without a coat on and stood in the snow as the January air chilled my bones. I could barely feel it. It felt like a bad dream. As my nose went numb from the cold and my fingers and toes burned like dry ice, I waited for him to come outside and hug me and bring the feeling back to my body because all I could feel was my stomach dropping and my heart pounding.
I don't remember how long I was standing outside, but eventually his dad came outside and found me standing there and asked me what was wrong. I told him I just got dumped and he muttered some curses about his son under his breath and wrapped his coat around me and brought me back inside. I was handed a box of tissues and I called my friend and asked if I could spend the night there. I packed up my belongings and his dad gave me a ride to my friend's house.
My friends came over and we played board games and they tried to cheer me up. One of my guy friends (who was also close friends with my ex), got a bit too affectionate and cuddly trying to comfort me. That caused problems later. Almost all of my friends were shared with my ex, so when we broke up, they inevitably picked sides, and most of them chose his side.
I think the first month was the hardest. Now I think I'm turning the corner. There was quite a while where I felt very alone and I couldn't eat or sleep (heck, I've always had trouble sleeping, so that wasn't new), but now I think I can see that I'll be okay without him. I still miss him sometimes. I made the mistake of staying close to him after the break-up. I made the mistake of trying "friends with benefits." We're still trying to be friends, but I know it's a bad idea and I know we'll fall apart for good eventually.
I've been on a few dates already. I'm not looking for another serious relationship right now, and I want to stay single for a good long time, but I want to distract myself and I need to feel special and attractive. For so long I've felt like nobody could love me and that nobody else would ever want me if he dumped me, but I'm starting to realize that I'm valuable on my own. I'm a kind person, and I care about people, and I deserved to be cared about, and I deserve to be loved, even if it's not by him.
My prince is out there still, and I'll find him someday...
Happy Singles' Awareness Day (i.e. Valentine's Day)... and goodnight.
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